Sitting up in bed one morning with my husband, Latham, he turned to me.
“The next mortgage payment is going to wipe us out,” he blurted.
It was 2007 and, aged 42, I’d moved from New Zealand to the US with Latham.
We’d bought a lovely house in upstate New York and had been living off my savings, as well as using the money to renovate.
Working as actors, we hoped the move would boost our careers, but we’d been too busy with the house to look for work.
Now my savings were almost gone.
If we don’t get jobs soon, we’ll lose the house, I worried.
Latham and I had been together for 12 years, and the thought that money could derail us was heartbreaking.
Before I knew it, the conversation had turned to me doing porn!
I’d always enjoyed sex so, the next day, we called some agents in the adult film industry.
I worried my age would go against me, but it wasn’t an issue.
“There’s plenty of demand for cougars,” one agent told me.
Within a week, I was headed to Miami to meet my new agent.
And after having photos taken, I was hired to act in an adult film, where I played a psychiatrist who seduces a young man.
My first time on set was nerve-racking as hell, but thankfully, my partner was good-looking and respectful, and put me at ease.
At the end of filming, the director came up to me.
“You’re such a good actor,” he told me.
He hired me for several other films after that.
Over the next two years, I made over 100 adult films under the name ‘Lake Russell,’ before pulling the plug.
Though I enjoyed my time in the industry, I’d had enough.
In time, Latham and I split up and I decided it was time to go home to New Zealand.
Moving back in with my mum and my child, who’d come to live with us, I told her what I’d been doing out in the US.
“It doesn’t matter, love,” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “I accept you just as you are.”
After taking some time out, I trained as a care-giver, providing high-level support to people with disabilities and older people.
It was a far cry from porn, but one of the best things I could have done.
It gave me a sense of purpose.
Living in a small town, I kept my past to myself, never telling any new friends what I’d done.
I feared people’s judgement, knowing that being a former porn star was something people would have a hard time understanding.
Although I dabbled in the dating world and had three short-term relationships, I didn’t fall in love with anyone.
When I opened up to men about my past, they felt threatened and backed off.
Then, a couple of years ago, while hanging out with a close mate, he told me about OnlyFans, the adult video-sharing site.
He was one of the few people I’d confided in about my racy past.
“I reckon you could make a killing on there,” he said. “People would love to speak to an old-school porn star.”
“Oh really?” I laughed.
I knew my persona was still famous in the porn world and the possibility I could make some cash from my old movies was certainly appealing.
It couldn’t hurt to give it a shot, I thought.
I knew my family and very close friends were supportive, so I set about creating a profile.
To my amazement, I discovered I had a legion of old, and new, fans who’d seen all my movies and wanted to pay me to chat about my work.
They were generally men between the ages of 20 and 40.
I’ve been a fan of yours since 2007, and can’t believe I’m actually talking to you, one man messaged me.
I hadn’t seen any of my movies since I’d made them, but as I re-watched them, I felt proud for being so brave.
I also found them pretty sexy!
So when fans started requesting new content, I was happy to oblige.
My body doesn’t quite look the same… I warned them.
It made me feel amazing when I was bombarded with compliments about how good I still looked.
I’d been worried I’d feel ashamed getting back into the adult industry again, but it was the opposite.
I felt empowered.
I haven’t given up my day job as a carer and I have no plans to.
Both jobs bring me joy.
I use the extra money OnlyFans brings in to help pay for my horses, alpacas, cats and dogs, which Mum is pleased about.
When I told her what I was doing, she didn’t bat an eye.
“Good on you,” she said.
I’ve been honest with my child, now 34, about everything, and they love and accept me as I am.
What I love about getting back into the adult industry now is I show up as me, rather than a character.
In my 40s, I was so self-conscious about my appearance. But now, I don’t get my hair or nails done, and wear what I like.
Incredibly, my male fans find it sexy!
You’re hotter now than when I first discovered you! one man wrote.
It’d be easy for people to have a go at me for being a porn star at 60, but so far no one has. Even if they did, I wouldn’t care!
I’m living my life my way, and doing it for myself.
